Last week was my son’s first day of preschool. I had been bracing for it all summer and when the morning finally arrived, I still hadn’t fully warmed up to the idea.
If I learned one thing about sending my son to his first full-day of school it is that the words that came out of my mouth did not match the way I was feeling.
I put on an enthusiastic face for my little guy but found myself letting tears fall privately throughout the day.
It is my role as his mother to prepare him for new experiences. This can be easier said than done, especially when I relate to his fear and anxiety. But as his parent, it is my responsibility to instill him with self-confidence and bravery.
So, on his first day of preschool I made sure that the words I spoke were full of excitement and joy even though my heart was not.
Here is a snap shot of what I said versus what I thought that day.
“Look at that great dinosaur backpack, you are such a BIG boy!”
Weren’t you just a newborn waking me in the middle of the night? Didn’t you just get your first tooth? Where is time going? I am not ready for you to go to high school, to college! Please stop the clock for a minute. Let me catch my breath. Let me soak you up. It is going by too fast.
“I am so excited for you to start school tomorrow!”
I am so nervous for you to start school tomorrow. I have been waking up in the middle of the night all summer with anxiety about this moment. Will the day be too long? Will a five-day week be too much? Am I making the right decision?
“You are going to have so much fun with your new teacher!”
I hope she cares for you. I hope she is happy and energized today and that she makes you feel safe and comforted. I pray that she has an abundance of patience to deal with your little heart.
“I’ll be back to pick you up when school is over!”
Do you know how long five hours is? You have only ever been left with family for that long. I hope you don’t break down half way through. I hope I don’t break down right now!
Although, if I can get your brother down for a nap, I may have two hours alone to actually get stuff done.
Now I feel guilty for even thinking that!
“Goodbye!”
I hope you don’t cry when you turn around and remember that I am gone. I pray the day goes quickly (for both of us).
“I love you so much!”
You have no idea how much I love you. I don’t like leaving you in the care of new people. You are my world and I cannot imagine if anything were to ever happen to you while I wasn’t there.
“How was school today? Did you have fun?”
Please tell me you liked it and had fun. I am not sure I have the resolve to send you back if you say you didn’t.
I was feeling down on myself for having a hard time with this transition. But later that night, I came across countless parents on Facebook discussing the tears they had also shed.
Suddenly I stopped judging myself for struggling. It was only after seeing that so many other people were having the same emotions that I realized I wasn’t alone.
I thought of all the parents who fought internal battles on the first day of preschool. All those, who swallowed their own pain to comfort their children.
In order to instill confidence and bravery in our children,the words of the lips cannot always echo those of the heart.
Even though I was aching inside, I reminded myself that it is not my child’s job to protect my heart, it is my job to protect his.
And so, I breathed in a smile each time I spoke to him and saved my tears for when his back was turned. Just as I will strive to do for each new chapter of his life.
